It seems such a long time since I have shared anything here. It feels so much has gone on, much seems to have happened.
We have been through a period of time where I felt the leadership burden. So much good was happening around us and we loved so much of our time together as a family during the summer and with good friends who we could just ‘be’ with.
What it also brought was painful and, truth be told; I felt at one point I began to unravel. It was a strange time where only those closest to us saw the rawness of the hurt caused by the careless whispers, the rawness of getting it wrong. It was for all to see and I dare say for a chosen few to talk about. It was a time when I felt I could have jacked it all in and left it at my front door. It was that painful. My love for the church has never been so strong, fierce and loyal and yet my joy was being robbed and stolen.
Thankfully we have good friends who know me in all my failings and flaws and still saw the Kingdom being manifested in my life and in the things I put my hand to the plough to. I had good people around me who saw the unravelling and called out the goodness, the kindness, as well as pointing out the lives God was impacting through us. Good people who brought normality by just doing normal things and reminding us who we were first and foremost. It was a time when I held on tight to Jesus, oh so tight and declared all that He promised us and all that He had said in days gone by. The storm began to pass. I was left a bit battered and bruised but refined.
Through this time I began to doubt all that He had said until I sat with people who had been through the same. Good advice came, prayers and tears were abundant, decisions were made, distance was established and boundaries well and truly put in place. Friends who I am trying to learn to trust again, friends who I still love and pray for but I am aware of my failings and theirs and know if I sing these words I have to mean them: ‘Riches I need not nor man’s empty praise, thou my inheritance now and always’.
I can see why this time was so hard. I have learned an incredible amount about myself and others and through this God is doing more than I could ever ask or imagine. We are in a privileged time of incredible favour and when all is said and done I am learning that I am His child and He is my Father.
If like me you are going through what seems like a fire that the moment – where everything you once knew doesn’t seem the same, people you trusted have hurt and caused you pain – don’t lose heart, you are in good company. Jesus knew this sorrow and this pain. The people closest to Him ended up rejecting Him because He set His sights on doing the Father’s will.
Unlike Him we will will fail and we will hurt and cause pain but we can be honest and still know the truth that He loves us and He is for us! ……and
‘Honesty is knowing who we are, to accept that I am unacceptable, to renounce self-justification, to give up the pretence that my prayers, spiritual insight, tithing, and successes in ministry have made me pleasing to God! No antecedent beauty enamours me in his eyes. I am lovable only because HE loves me. – TRagamuffin gospel.
Keep on keeping on.